Serious News Daily

A suicide bomber, identified as Hamid (name changed) almost succeeded in blowing up the super-luxury hotel The Sultana. Yesterday he arrived at the hotel at 10:45 AM sharp. There was CCTV footage of him standing in the lobby, checking his phone. Sultana is an expensive hotel. Even in peak seasons, number of visitors entering the hotel was small. Not many people can afford it. Consequently, the hotels can’t afford security personnel. Though Hamid was clearly visible through camera, none noticed him. There was no one in the security room. The man, who cleaned the lavatory, also managed the security room ‘when he wasn’t busy’. He was on leave that day. After interviewing all the staffs, including the manager, our serious reporters concluded that during the entire time Hamid remained inside the hotel, the security room was unattended. The footage showed that day Hamid arrived at The Sultana, to blow it up. When he was in the lobby, Hamid took out something that looked like a pen...

Rewa:  Over 1,000 people attended the pre-election speech of the chief minister candidate Hanuman Singh in Rewa yesterday. The candidate had brought along with him 20 cows that his men had kept in a pen next to the stage. He said in his speech that the people of Madhya Pradesh can either wait for development till the cows come home, or let they can vote him in and let him do some serious work. Mr. Singh promised to make each student, who topped in board exam, the gift of a cow. “Have a cow,” he said, “and you’ll never have to worry about a job. Milk the cow, sell the milk in the market, and buy another cow with that money.”   According to C. Rampal, CEO of The Dungland Corporation Ltd, ‘devaluing’ the currency against dollar might have been a strategic move to reintroduce the barter system of the Vedic Age. “Cows have always served as an alternative to currency,” said Mr. Rampal, “In early Vedic period, business transactions were much more efficient than they are today....

Local Correspondent: In Salt Lake City, plots were given by the Government on lease for a period of 999 years. Naturally, we wanted to know why the period was decided to be neither 1000 years, nor 998 years, but exactly 999 years. “It’s not just a random number,” a very serious Govt. Official told us. “If you put it upside down it becomes 666, which is the number of the Devil.” According to him, putting the symbolic number upside down was an act of defiance against the Devil. “This was to keep all the evil forces away,” he emphasized, “It will protect the plot-owners.” However, now it seems the auspicious number failed to keep the evil eye off the plots. According to guidelines, the plots can’t be sold to any Tom, Dick or Harry. They can be sold and resold only among blood relations. Later it was discovered that plots were being sold illegally that too at a rate as high as 1 lakh per cottah. Our correspondent talked to Dilip Desai (not a real name, since giving away our sources ...